What Makes A Successful Divorce
Whenever parents seek advice about helping their children adjust to the fallout of divorce, they are, more often than not, instructed about what not to do rather than provided with useful ideas about how to behave in a positive manner to the benefit of their children.
What Makes a Successful Divorce
If divorce is going to suck, you might as well get something out of it. Take some time to write down on paper what you are looking for in your next relationship, as well as what you will not tolerate. This will help you put any new prospect into perspective.
We also asked a number of former clients who are now divorced what, if anything, they would have done differently to make their divorce more peaceful, fair, cost-effective and/or easier on their kids. And what divorce advice they have for others getting ready to start the divorce process with children.
If you need help with how to cope with divorce, get yourself a good therapist, exercise, meditate, eat healthy, try to get enough sleep and surround yourself with positive people. Make a to-do list and do whatever you can to boost your energy and stay authentic and at your best.
But when you really take a closer look at what exactly happens in a divorce, you'll learn that divorce is less about the law and more about negotiation and money (and parenting, if you have children).
All of these items need to be documented and negotiated if you're going to come to any kind of agreement on alimony. And the foundation for coming to an agreement on this difficult topic is what each of your expenses are post-divorce and for how long you need support for those expenses.
Once you start your divorce, be sure to enlist the help of a neutral-third party divorce mediator who can take a critical look at these expenses and help you determine if staying in the house makes sense and is a possibility in your particular situation.
I feel that a few ways to prepare for an amicable relationship during and after the divorce are to decide and agree upon what overall goals you want to have for the long-term relationship, especially if there are children involved, and then both start verbalizing (if possible) and visualizing them right away.
Find things to look forward to. What changes are you hoping for? Also develop a vision for what you want your relationship with your former spouse to be - remember that a divorced family is still a family.
Have back-up documentation handy to support your positions: copies of financial records or documents that show what things really cost, notes on how many hours you each really spent per week with the children prior to the discussion of divorce.
As emotions run high, do not lose sight of the responsibilities that come with separating. Whether this includes finances, co-parenting or who takes the dog, it's important that you operate from a stance of what makes the most sense.
If he cheated, that has nothing to do with what kind of father he is and how often you want the kids seeing him. If she is the one who wanted the divorce and you are angry, hurt and resentful because of that, try to put those feelings aside when considering what is fair in a financial settlement or when deciding on a joint parenting schedule.
One mistake I made during my divorce 9 years ago is, I trusted my attorney and didn't really understand what I was signing. I didn't realize that I had the option of actually reading all of the documents word for word and really understanding the deals I was making. I just left it up to my attorney.
Therapy in addition to other support systems is a bit different because one is contained with a professional clinician, where it allows a clinical perspective and lens to help one process through any feelings of grief, sadness, anxiety or depression. They can also build and develop skills and tools to use throughout the divorce process to help them cope and face what may lie in their future.
Divorce is a painful time for everyone involved. People often don't know what to say to their children about the divorce or, in the case of very small children, why mommy or daddy are suddenly not in the home.
If there are times set up to communicate, and these times are segmented between logistics (what information you need to gather for lawyers/mediators, to discuss kids, budgeting, etc.) and emotions (if your divorce is not conflictual), you can feel as though things are still moving forward while still having room for the roller coaster of emotions you may face.
It gets you through the divorce and focused on taking care of children, who most of all need their parents focused on what the divorce means for them, not just as an event but an ongoing experience in their lives.
Don't make the divorce a fight: making an enemy or adversary of your spouse consumes a parent's energy and creates animosity that will adversely affect children when what children need to see is their parents working together, no longer spouses, but always parents together." - C.J.
Next, determine what you want your financial future to look like. How much do you need to live now that your income will be separated? What assets are important to your personal estate? How long will you need or can you afford to pay spousal support? Are there any debts that were incurred as a couple that you would like to continue to pay off jointly, or can be paid off now? Think carefully through these and other questions or work with a divorce consultant or financial expert to thoroughly cover all your bases.
To divorce peacefully, you will have to work diligently, exercise patience and focus on your personal matters at hand. The goal here is to construct a new, healthy relationship with your ex that is often completely different from before. This takes time and can be difficult to absorb along the way, but doing so in good faith and with consistent effort kicks off a successful future for all parties involved.
A certified divorce coach helps you emotionally and strategically during your divorce. The coach will help you identify your issues, prioritize them and create a plan to make decisions throughout your divorce to achieve your goals. They are an integral part of a successful team to guide and empower you during this challenging time. Keep in mind that a divorce coach does not and cannot render legal advice. As a result, they may reach out to your divorce consultant when your legal matters need thorough examination from an experienced law professional.
One of the most important decisions you may make along the way is hiring a lawyer to represent you and your interests. More than finding what someone else thinks is the best divorce lawyer, you should search for one who best fits the needs of your case.
A friend of mine is going through a divorce and throughout the process of trying to make things work with his wife he has been talking with me and explaining to me how he feels about the whole ordeal. I have tried to help him, however, it has been hard especially because I have never experienced what he is experiencing. Nevertheless, because I know little about divorce I have been looking up a lot about it and I agree that a lawyer is needed to help the process be as stress-free as possible. I think that it would be a good idea to contact a lawyer to finalize the process smoothly.
By being thoughtful about his own needs and careful about what he says with his ex-spouse, a father can find a sense of strength. Adding stability in discipline and novelty in play will also help a divorced dad be a good dad and guide their children through the difficulties of watching their family be redefined.
Surprises happen in divorce, because you cannot fully anticipate what the other side or the court will do. Your attorney should maintain composure so that he or she is always representingyour interests and is willing and able to adjust their strategy when needed. Your attorney should be focused, composed, and professional, especially when representing you to the court.
Resolving a dispute with the assistance of an experienced family laweyr can, for example, pave the way for successful parenting by setting out what is important to you both, identifying shared values and importantly, how to communicate with each other. Any outcome in a dispute concerning children is often not worth the paper it is written on if it is not workable and where the parenting relationship is not intact.
Why it matters: Most couples wants to reach a fair deal in mediation. If you chose a divorce mediator correctly (see above), your mediator will be able give you an idea of what would be considered a fair result in your jurisdiction.
So, even before you head for negotiations or trial, you know approximately what you will get and how much you will have to part with on divorce. When you know where you stand, you will be ready for the expected divorce outcome. You will be aware of both the best-case and worst-case scenarios. That is the difference between working with an experienced attorney and working with a rookie or a general practice law firm.
When competing for new business, it may behoove lawyers not to impart everything that their schooling and experience has taught them to prospective clients. That's partly because some of what they know is not what a client wants to hear and painting an optimistic picture of the outcome can secure new business. What's more, they might know something that, if they shared it with a new client, could negatively affect their bottom line. Below are twenty secrets that a divorce lawyer may not want to share with you.
Some lawyers are going to tell you what you want to hear, "yessing" you all the way to signing a retainer agreement. It may be that you have a very strong case, but there are no guarantees. Keeping this in mind will help you through this challenging process, spur you on to get organized, and retain a divorce lawyer who will candidly review your options and provide realistic probability of success based on the unique facts of your case.
We don't like hidden costs or being nickel and dimed, so it's understandable that we're intrigued by attorneys offering one low "fixed price" to handle your divorce from soup to nuts. It may be the case that you and your spouse weren't as at odds as you thought and could have parted ways with less work required. On the other hand, what you have to deal with could be way more work than the flat fee your attorney agreed to. When working for peanuts, lawyers are going to be less willing to go to bat for you. 041b061a72